I earlier meant what
I said and said what I meant!
And then later
wondered where all my friends went.
Should I tell the
truth or should I sugar coat?
When I know that the
truth can really rock the boat…
(SD)
One of life’s great dilemmas is
whether to be honest or to be kind! And
when you are in a profession where a large part of your working life is all
about dealing with people, there are bound to be interactions wherein you come
back with a feeling that maybe you could have been less direct and perhaps
maybe more gentle! Sometimes the after
effects of speaking your mind are not obvious immediately and in the heat of
the moment, you perhaps don’t even realize the effect of your directness on the
recipient of your honesty.
The other aspect about plain
speaking is the whole dimension of consequences. For instance, as a subordinate at work, to
what extent can you express dissent or disagreement with your boss or those in
positions of authority?
If you are a boss, can you be
really honest with your subordinate when he/she has goofed up on the job? Or do
you try and sugarcoat so that you avoid ruffling feathers and end up with a
resignation letter in your inbox?
Brutal Honesty or Absolute Diplomacy:
Brutal Honesty and Absolute Diplomacy are the two ends of the
spectrum when it comes to honesty in communication. Brutal honesty can prove to
be lethal for relationships as truth can be abrasive and painful to bear, as it
appears harsh and inconsiderate. At the other end of the continuum are those
who are diplomatic to a fault and to such an extent that you cannot really
decipher as to whether they are being truthful. In any case both these diametrically opposite styles
do not really make for authentic, relationship building propositions.
Different Strokes for Different Folks: Whether you can be really
honest with others is essentially based on the kind of relationship you have
with them. If the relationship is shaky and flaky or if you are just getting to
know someone, you may tend to veer towards diplomacy. However if you are really
confident in the strength of the relationship, you can risk speaking your mind
knowing that it will not affect your relationship too adversely.
Honesty and kindness: One of the main reasons why we try to gloss over
facts is because we feel we would end up hurting others. While this could be
true at an emotional level, it helps to realize that hiding the truth means we
end up misrepresenting facts. If your spouse is gaining weight excessively and
you do not provide feedback, you are eventually robbing him/her of the
opportunity to take corrective actions. So your short term ‘kindness’ is
actually being unkind to the person in the long run.
Minding the ‘how’ along with the ‘what’: There are times we are so
convinced with the rightness of our idea, or earnestness of our point of view
that we miss noticing how we go about providing feedback
or sharing an honest opinion. Truth can be a hard pill to swallow, and if it is
accompanied by a harsh and insensitive tone, it can come down like a ton of
bricks on the hearer, leading to rancor and bitterness in the relationship.
However if there is genuineness in your approach as reflected in your tone and
facial expressions, hearing the truth does not become so very unpalatable.
Intent Matters: Even when we
have to stick our neck out and speak on matters that could ruffle feathers, our
basic intent is what really matters. As a subordinate for instance, you can
speak your mind with your boss if your relationship is such that your boss knows
that you speak with a clear and honest intent. Problems occur when people have devious
or ambiguous motives and in such situations speaking the truth can have
unsavoury consequences.
